I promise I'll give you guys a cute Izzy update next week after her three year checkup, but for the next few minutes I'm going to discuss something that has really been weighing on me lately and today a post on a mom's group on Facebook was the straw the broke the camel's back so to speak. So, if you want to read on, thank you. Otherwise, this is your chance to get off the elevator.
The post that sent me spinning this morning was a soon to be mom asking if she is selfish for wanting her husband to find a different job before baby comes. He travels for work and she doesn't think she is going to be able to manage all that comes with a new baby while he is traveling. He has essentially poo poo'd her requests and she doesnt' know what to do. The responses were overwhelmingly to the effect of "you'll be fine" "you make it work" "you adjust"... As I was about to post my own response to the same effect I stopped to consider the lone woman who had the courage to say "what if she isn't fine." What if all she can think about after the baby is born is everyone telling her that she should be ok? And that, my friends, is when I snapped.
I recently had a discussion with my Dean at school about a somewhat similar issue. The issue in the field of law, and I know this isn't issolated to law, is that women are forced to make a choice between being a mom and having a career. The issue struck me one day while I was walking to class. We are in the thick of scholarship season aka the time of year where everyone is trying to get money for next year. As I scrolled through scholarships, I noticed a trend. If I were a single mom wanting to pursue my Bachelor's degree, I would have access to hundreds of scholarships. I'm ecstatic that those opportunities exist because I know they didn't twenty years ago. I know we have come a long ways, but we have further to go. I couldn't help but read between the lines at the message being sent. Loud and clear I heard "ladies, this is your max out point"... if you want to pursue a graduate level degree best of luck to you.
So, I went to class with this thought in my head. I looked around at the predominately twenty-three to twenty-six year old group of individuals I'm surrounded by daily. A few of them are moms and dads. However, I am about 98% confident I am the only one in the building at the moment who is a single mom going to law school full time. I don't say that to get a pat on the back by any means. I bring this up to make a point. Where are all the other moms at? Feeling defeated, that's where. Feeling like they have to make a choice between their goals, their career and their family. Here's the rub, do men have this same struggle? I looked at the men in my class I know have children and I wonder, do they have the same things running through their head I do on a day to day basis.... "I hope I don't get a call from daycare today that my kid is sick and I have to go get her" "I have a midterm due on Wednesday, when am I going to get that done this weekend between play dates and Halloween activities" "there is a class I really want to take next semester, but it ends at 5:15, is that going to be enough time to get to the other side of town and pick Izzy up from daycare".... you see my point here? I'm willing to bet these aren't things they are considering because they have someone else to take care of that for them. I fully ackowledge I made the decision to go to law school knowing the odds would be against me. I'm not asking for special favors, I'm not asking for awards and accolades here. What I am asking for is a level playing field. I'm asking that we stop telling women they have to make these choices in life between a career and family. Those that make the choice toward family are shamed for not wanting a career. Those that decide to focus on their career are labled as selfish and cold hearted for not focusing on their family. We cannot have it both ways. We cannot have a generation of women who raise super star kids who make all their Halloween costumes and bring amazing little treat bags to daycare and put their children in well coordinated outfits every day who are also sitting in board rooms. They can't go it alone folks. There are only so many hours in the day.
So, this gets me back to the post from this morning. It would have been easy for me to post a response in line with everyone else and tell her "I did it and you can too". Andrew and I worked opposite schedules. We were lucky he got to stack vacation and take two weeks off when Izzy was born. Not everyone has that opportunity. But after that we fell into a routine and most of the next year was a blur. I truly felt like I was in survival mode running off little sleep and feeling like my sole purpose in life was to lactate. I will tell you right now that did a number on my ability to bond with Izzy. I have a lot of regret about that period of her life. Can I change it, no. Can I do better now, yes.
I don't understand when motherhood became a version of the Hunger Games. Are we all just trying to stumble to the finish line and get our kids to adulthood praying they are half way normal individuals? When did we settle for "surviving" daily life? When did we decide that in order to prove worth others must show us how much they have endured? This isn't a contest. Listen Becky, you can stop putting on a show for people... we are all just keeping it together most days. We see peoples Pinterest lives and hold ourselves to that standard and it is destroying a generation of women. It is emotionally and physically breaking them, so please for all that is good and holy in this world just stop.
Hear me out and I promise I'll try and wrap this rant up soon....
Stop telling women to suck it up. I'm not saying we should all just sit at home in our jammies and shut down. Far from it. Can we agree to start pulling each other up though? Can we agree to have the difficult conversations, to talk about how we are feeling, to admit when we feel defeated. Chances are, someone else feels the same way you do. If we start the conversation, imagine what kind of changes we might see. I'm not saying we all bash men and run out into the streets to burn our bras. I am saying that we, as women, support each other and encourage each other. Next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone "you'll be fine" or "you'll adjust" consider if that is the message they need to hear or if perhaps it might be better if you asked "what can I do for you" or "do you want to talk."
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