Stop Telling Women "You'll Be Fine" ...

I promise I'll give you guys a cute Izzy update next week after her three year checkup, but for the next few minutes I'm going to discuss something that has really been weighing on me lately and today a post on a mom's group on Facebook was the straw the broke the camel's back so to speak.  So, if you want to read on, thank you.  Otherwise, this is your chance to get off the elevator.

The post that sent me spinning this morning was a soon to be mom asking if she is selfish for wanting her husband to find a different job before baby comes.  He travels for work and she doesn't think she is going to be able to manage all that comes with a new baby while he is traveling.  He has essentially poo poo'd her requests and she doesnt' know what to do.  The responses were overwhelmingly to the effect of "you'll be fine" "you make it work" "you adjust"... As I was about to post my own response to the same effect I stopped to consider the lone woman who had the courage to say "what if she isn't fine."  What if all she can think about after the baby is born is everyone telling her that she should be ok?  And that, my friends, is when I snapped.

I recently had a discussion with my Dean at school about a somewhat similar issue.  The issue in the field of law, and I know this isn't issolated to law, is that women are forced to make a choice between being a mom and having a career.  The issue struck me one day while I was walking to class.  We are in the thick of scholarship season aka the time of year where everyone is trying to get money for next year.  As I scrolled through scholarships, I noticed a trend. If I were a single mom wanting to pursue my Bachelor's degree, I would have access to hundreds of scholarships.  I'm ecstatic that those opportunities exist because I know they didn't twenty years ago.  I know we have come a long ways, but we have further to go.  I couldn't help but read between the lines at the message being sent.  Loud and clear I heard "ladies, this is your max out point"... if you want to pursue a graduate level degree best of luck to you.

So, I went to class with this thought in my head.  I looked around at the predominately twenty-three to twenty-six year old group of individuals I'm surrounded by daily.  A few of them are moms and dads.  However, I am about 98% confident I am the only one in the building at the moment who is a single mom going to law school full time.  I don't say that to get a pat on the back by any means.  I bring this up to make a point.  Where are all the other moms at?  Feeling defeated, that's where.  Feeling like they have to make a choice between their goals, their career and their family.  Here's the rub, do men have this same struggle? I looked at the men in my class I know have children and I wonder, do they have the same things running through their head I do on a day to day basis.... "I hope I don't get a call from daycare today that my kid is sick and I have to go get her" "I have a midterm due on Wednesday, when am I going to get that done this weekend between play dates and Halloween activities" "there is a class I really want to take next semester, but it ends at 5:15, is that going to be enough time to get to the other side of town and pick Izzy up from daycare".... you see my point here?  I'm willing to bet these aren't things they are considering because they have someone else to take care of that for them.  I fully ackowledge I made the decision to go to law school knowing the odds would be against me.  I'm not asking for special favors, I'm not asking for awards and accolades here.  What I am asking for is a level playing field.  I'm asking that we stop telling women they have to make these choices in life between a career and family.  Those that make the choice toward family are shamed for not wanting a career.  Those that decide to focus on their career are labled as selfish and cold hearted for not focusing on their family.  We cannot have it both ways. We cannot have a generation of women who raise super star kids who make all their Halloween costumes and bring amazing little treat bags to daycare and put their children in well coordinated outfits every day who are also sitting in board rooms.  They can't go it alone folks.  There are only so many hours in the day. 

So, this gets me back to the post from this morning.  It would have been easy for me to post a response in line with everyone else and tell her "I did it and you can too".  Andrew and I worked opposite schedules.  We were lucky he got to stack vacation and take two weeks off when Izzy was born.  Not everyone has that opportunity.  But after that we fell into a routine and most of the next year was a blur.  I truly felt like I was in survival mode running off little sleep and feeling like my sole purpose in life was to lactate.  I will tell you right now that did a number on my ability to bond with Izzy.  I have a lot of regret about that period of her life.  Can I change it, no.  Can I do better now, yes.

I don't understand when motherhood became a version of the Hunger Games.  Are we all just trying to stumble to the finish line and get our kids to adulthood praying they are half way normal individuals?  When did we settle for "surviving" daily life? When did we decide that in order to prove worth others must show us how much they have endured?  This isn't a contest.  Listen Becky, you can stop putting on a show for people... we are all just keeping it together most days.  We see peoples Pinterest lives and hold ourselves to that standard and it is destroying a generation of women.  It is emotionally and physically breaking them, so please for all that is good and holy in this world just stop.

Hear me out and I promise I'll try and wrap this rant up soon....

Stop telling women to suck it up.  I'm not saying we should all just sit at home in our jammies and shut down.  Far from it.  Can we agree to start pulling each other up though? Can we agree to have the difficult conversations, to talk about how we are feeling, to admit when we feel defeated.  Chances are, someone else feels the same way you do.  If we start the conversation, imagine what kind of changes we might see.  I'm not saying we all bash men and run out into the streets to burn our bras.  I am saying that we, as women, support each other and encourage each other.  Next time you find yourself wanting to tell someone "you'll be fine" or "you'll adjust" consider if that is the message they need to hear or if perhaps it might be better if you asked "what can I do for you" or "do you want to talk."

As Summer Winds Down...

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  This is precisely how I feel about summer at the moment.  Classes start back up for me on Monday and it's back to the grind for until mid December.  It's hard to believe I have a year of law school under my belt already.  It's true what they say, "the days are long but the months and years are short."  The first year of school felt like the longest year of my life, but it also flew by in the blink of an eye. 

Looking back to a year ago, I was full of fear.  I wasn't sure how any of this was going to work.  I was trying to get the house ready to put on the market, I was walking away from my full time job moving to part time and knowing that was only through the end of the year.  I was going back to school after being away for eight years.  I was absolutely terrified.  I was terrified of failing.  Of falling flat on my face.  At 31 years old, I was worried about not fitting in.  Not having anyone to talk to in class.  Being the odd one out because I had a little "life" under my belt. 

Sometimes all you can do is run with that fear and keep going.  Push forward.  You have two choices, sit with your fear or do something with it.  The last year has been hands down the hardest year of my life, but it has also been a year full of growth.  I have learned more about myself as a Christian, a woman, a mom, a friend, a student and as an employee.  There isn't a single aspect of my life that hasn't been impacted by the changes I've seen in this season.  I cried more tears of frustration and of joy this last year because sometimes you just don't have the words. 

There have been struggles and dark days, but there has been a lot of good.  My fears of not having friends at school have been cast away.  I have been surrounded with love and encouragement from an amazing group of people.  The professors and staff members at school have all been amazing and compassionate.  Most days, my faith in humanity is restored by my interactions with these individuals.  I feel immensely blessed for the opportunity to sit and learn every day.  Just don't ask me how blessed I feel when I'm fifty pages in on a constitutional law reading because I might not be as upbeat about the whole thing. 

During my down time over the last month, I have spent a lot of time reflecting.  I had a chance to do some personal reading and really absorb the message.  I've spent some time trying to get inside the mind of a two year old and understand the struggles and frustrations miss Izzy experiences.  She is a child of extremes and continues to challenge me.  I think it's safe to say she and I are both in a season of change and growth right now, but I'm really enjoying our mommy daughter duo! 

I have tried to cram a lot in for us this summer.  We made a trip to the zoo with papa and grandma earlier this month.  We have done some swimming, which is a favorite for Izzy.  We made a speed trip to the State Fair, which was cut short when someone spiked a 104 degree fever.  Bless the EMT's in the first aid station at the fair who confirmed what my mama gut was telling me.  Apparently Izzy acquired her heat intolerance from her mama.  Sorry kiddo!  On the bright side, mine isn't as bad now as it was when I was younger, so lets hope the same holds true for her. 

We still have a lot of activities planned for the fall.  Next month we celebrate Izzy's 3rd birthday.  I'm still trying to come to terms with it.  We have family pictures scheduled for her birthday weekend as well.  Let's hope she wants to cooperate!  We also have harvest and pumpkin patches to look forward to.  We are headed into my favorite time of year, and I am pumped.  Football season is also just around the corner, and that's the best season in my book!  No trips to Green Bay planned this year, maybe a summer trip next year is in order! 

For those wondering how Izzy is doing, she continues to grow physically as well as emotionally and mentally.  Her vocabulary blows my mind.  Her sass sometimes mortifies me.  She is a bundle of energy every day.  If she isn't, you know she's sick.  She is an amazing sleeper and does best when she gets 12-13 hours of sleep per night.  She still is taking a nap (at least at home on the weekends, daycare has a difficult time getting her to sit still for more than a hot minute).  Potty training is something that is on our radar, but not something I think Izzy is fully ready to commit to.  It is definitely going to need to be her idea.  She loves music and dancing and the girl knows how to find a beat!  She loves reading and is quite animated with her storytelling!  She is obsessed with water in pools and fountains.  She is learning to be affectionate both with Maya and with me.  She was never a snuggly baby, so I'm actually enjoying the snuggle time with her.  My biggest growth moment over the summer with her has been to stop and focus on her.  There are nights I end up sitting with her in my lap in the middle of the floor because she has had a meltdown over something and the girl just needs a hug.  I have had to realize that her lashing out and misbehavior is a cry for attention and she deserves my attention. 

I hope you all had a wonderful summer and are enjoying the last days as we roll closer to September. 

Life Lessons Parenting Has Taught Me

I had more to say on this topic than should be crammed into one Facebook post, so of course I took to writing a blog post about it.  I'm in a season of learning and growing and in speaking with friends and family about my struggles and the things I'm learning, I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not the only one feeling these things.  

In Izzy's almost three years of life, I have been stretched in ways I never thought I could be. My limits have been tested, my patience have been pushed.  This weekend was all about some new experiences for Izzy.  Honestly, they were things I hadn't done either.  I'll be the first person to admit I'm not exactly a daring individual.  I have a comfort zone I like to operate within, and I've stuck inside that safety zone for quite a while.  Don't get me wrong, I'll step outside of it if I have to, but it sometimes takes a lot of convincing and pep talks to get me to that point.  I've probably become better at it in the last year.  I guess my thought is if you can completely destroy the foundation your life is built on and start over, the little things shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Still, sometimes they are.  

My fear of doing new things boils down to one overarching theme: I hate not being good at things.  Let's face it, very few people are great at something right out of the gate.  The great football players didn't start out great, they worked to that point.  The great race horses didn't start out winning races, they were worked to that point.  You get where I'm going with this.  That fear though, the fear of not being good and looking ridiculous/letting others see you fail, that's pride.  Pride gets in the way a lot the more I think about it.  I've had to check that pride at the door a lot this last year.  I've had to ask for help because I needed it and because others have offered.  I have had to admit I was wrong, admit defeat and admit others might know more than I do.  My ego has taken some blows, and it hurt.  At the end of the day, I needed it.  I needed those hits to sting a bit.  I needed to be reminded that pride, when it is out of control, is an ugly thing.  I had a conversation with my parents recently about pride and about listening to God.  A recent set of sermons I have heard reminded me that when God is trying to talk to us and we aren't listing, he will subtly try to get our attention and guide us down the right path.  But, when we insist on completely ignoring him, he resorts to alternative methods.  I'm stubborn and it took a lot for him to get my attention.  There was pride in that situation though.. in thinking I knew better.  In thinking I was the one who had the power in control in the situation.  I didn't, I only thought I did.  

So what lessons has parenting taught me lately?  Swallow that pride and push past the anxiety of it.  This weekend, Izzy and I had the chance to get out of town for a quick overnight trip.  We had the chance to ride 4 wheelers.  Before you ask yourselves the question, no, I have never been on a 4 wheeler.  My dad bought me a go kart when I was younger, and that is the closest I have been.  Obviously I drive a car, but I have always driven automatics. I don't know how to drive a stick shift.  It's on my bucket list.  Mostly because I some day hope to own a classic muscle car, so driving a stick is kind of a must.  I'm a bit of a traditionalist or old soul in that sense and think that some skills shouldn't die.  Much like writing checks and learning cursive.

Back to the lesson... Izzy was absolutely not riding the 4 wheeler unless I was the one driving.  There I was, literally terrified to get on the thing like it was going to bite me.  I stood there looking at her and I thought to myself... I have two options right now: walk away, or suck up my pride and my fear and show my child it's ok to try new things that we are afraid of.  So, I got on and made a short loop.  Before long, Izzy decided she wanted to jump on too.  And you know what, we both loved it.  Before long, neither one of us wanted to get off.  Parenting is sometimes about putting our own fears aside and showing your kids it's ok to step outside their comfort zones once in a while.  That's how we grow.  

Mid-Summer Updates

Listen, I know it's technically beyond the mid-summer point, but please  let me continue to think it's not.  I just wrapped up my summer class last week, and now I finally feel like I can enjoy what's left of summer.  I have been knee deep in work, class and trying to enjoy every minute of summer I can. 

Izzy and I have had a great summer so far.  We hit a couple of parades for the 4th of July and Summerfest back in the home town.  Izzy loved watching grandma in the 4th of July parade and seeing all the tractors and fire trucks! 

She took swim lessons for the first time this summer.  Unfortunately, I think we hit the coldest week of the summer, so she missed one of the days due to weather.  I was nervous putting her in a structured swim class, but she did alright.  This kid just loves playing in the water!   

We still have lots left on the books for this summer.  We hope to hit the zoo with papa and grandma this coming weekend.  Next week is the Iowa State Fair parade, which should be another fun experience for her.  I also hope to get her to the State Fair at some point.  She hasn't been since she was a baby.  Although, as I tell her nightly, she will always be my baby! 

We are in the throws of toddler-hood.  Man, it's fun.... said no parent ever!!! Full on tantrums over the wrong cup, the wrong shirt, the wrong look... you name it, she can throw a fit over it.  Some days I wonder if this stage or pre-teen/teen will be worse.  Talk to me 10 years from now and I might have a different outlook on the situation. 

Izzy had her second dentist appointment earlier this month.  I didn't think the first trip went well, but the second was terrible.  She screamed from the time she got in the chair.  It was loads of fun... kidding... it was awful.  I don't know what her issue was. She locked her jaw and wanted nothing to do with the dentist looking at her teeth.  She isn't a huge fan of brushing her teeth, but I tell her it isn't really an option and most nights I end up brushing her teeth for her after she gets done sucking all the water off the brush. 

Our latest and greatest battle is cutting out the bottle.  Judge all you want, the kid loved her milk in a bottle at bedtime. Finally this last weekend I told her it was gone.  It was hard for mama to cut the tie too and admit she isn't a baby anymore.  I don't really want to admit she is going to be three in two months. 

Daycare works with her on potty training, but I still haven't taken on that task yet at home.  She does a pretty good job of telling us when she is wet or dirty, but she hasn't taken a huge interest in the idea of potty training with any consistency.  She's stubborn like her mama, and I think the whole this is going to have to be on her time and be her idea.  Now that I'm done with class, we might try and tackle this mountain before I start class again in a month. I'm still looking for my patience pants in the back of my closet though...

She got her second haircut in May.  She did a pretty good job sitting 

still for the most part.  Might have something to do with the 

20 suckers we had to bribe her with! 

Just a quick glimpse into our summer so far! 

I continue to be amazed with the things she is learning.  She and I have regular conversations about her day and we are really working on understanding feelings and appropriately expressing them at the moment.  I'm trying to help her understand we don't get to throw things and hit people when we are frustrated or upset.  I have discovered sometimes she just needs a hug from mama.  Don't we all!  She has never been a snuggler, but more and more when she is acting out I'm reminding myself to stop what I'm doing and listen to what she's trying to tell me.  It's hard on the days I feel like going a hundred different directions, but she deserves my attention.  

I'm excited to enjoy what's left of summer before classes start.  It's hard to believe I have one year of law school under my belt.  It wasn't easy.  It really wasn't easy with a toddler, the divorce, selling the house, and moving.  But, that is all behind us now.  This last year has been a year of a lot of tears, a lot of struggle, but a lot of growth.  A lot of joy and a lot more laughter.  I'm at peace with my current path and I see that reflected in Izzy and honestly even in good old Maya!  

I hope everyone is enjoying summer and finding things to be thankful for through the ups and downs of life.  

A Year Can Seem Like A Lifetime

I know I have basically been off the grid since the end of 2018.  Classes started, the house sold, we moved, I changed jobs, life got crazy.  It's funny how sometimes a year can seem like forever, but when you look back on the things that have happened in a year you realize just how much can change in a relatively short period of time.  A year ago I was wrapping my mind around going to law school in the fall; I told my full time employer, whom I loved working for, that I was leaving to pursue a dream.  A year ago, I was struggling with a lot of personal demons. Most importantly for my personal growth, I walked back into church.    

As I reflect back on the last year (it's my birthday in a few weeks, which always seems to be a time of reflection for me), I am struck by a couple of things: life changes, and it can change quickly.  It really does take a village. Perhaps most important for me has been the realization that only I could make the decision to end the war with myself.  Some days I feel like I swallowed a philosophy book or some sort of counselors guide to turning your attitude around.  It's a lot of self reflection, growth and also a lot of humility and the understanding there is something greater than you.  

I have to be honest, there have been a lot of tears over the last six months.  As I open up parts of me I had closed off and allow myself to really feel again, I'm reminded what a truly emotional person I am at times.  I'm not sure when society as a whole got so stuck on not talking about emotions or experiencing emotions.  Social norms teach us to stuff things down.  Dry your tears and hold your head up.  The only thing that got me was a lot of pent up anger and resentment.  It oozed into my work life, my home life and everyday life.  I was mad at everyone and everything, and I was mad at myself for being so mad all the time.  It was a cycle and I was stuck.  

I'll be honest, there are days I don't want to crawl out of bed.  I want to pull the covers up and pretend the world isn't there; that my responsibilities aren't there.  However, I'm not twenty-two anymore and  there are people depending on me.  On the days I really struggle and think about everything I don't want to do, I count my blessings twice.  I just finished my first year of law school.  It's a goal I've had for many years and I'm doing it.  I may not be at the top of my class; I never thought I would be.  That was never a goal of mine.  I do, however, feel blessed and privileged to sit in the classroom five days each week and learn from some of the best and brightest.  I've had several people ask me since I started school how I do it.  My answer is always the same, "I just do." Don't think, just do.  Fear; it drives so much of what we do and don't do.  Have I been afraid?  Ummmmm YES.  How could I not be?  Fear and self doubt, negative self talk they all come from the same place.  Fear can be motivating, but it can also absolutely restrain you.  I think of phrases like "trust and God will provide" "have faith and He will move mountains." I always thought that was an excuse to sit back and wait for life to happen because God was in control.  With a lot of reflection and some growth over the last few months, I've realized that isn't a pass for you to take a backseat to your life.  God is in control, but you have to actively participate.  A lot of what I have figured out is that I need to stop slamming my head into the same wall.  If God puts the wall there, it's probably for a reason.  It's when I think I know better that I encounter pain and turmoil.  That's not to say that everything in life is going to be easy.  There will be struggles and I get that.  But sometimes if a door won't open for you, there is a reason.  

I'm at a place in my life where it's all about view.  When I wake up each morning, it's all about how I decide to view things that day.  I'm beyond blessed to be able to pursue my passion and my dream and go to law school.  I'm blessed to have a support network cheering me on along the way.  As I drove away from campus after my last final this week, I had tears pouring down my face.  Law school may be my dream and my goal, but there are a ton of people helping me achieve it.  My classmates have been amazing.  I was terrified to go back to school.  I didn't know who I was going to talk to or if I would be the odd ball because I was older than most and had a kid.  I've found a great group of friends who encourage me and commiserate with me and I truly am thankful for each of them.  The amount of love and support from my friends outside of school and my family has brought me to tears more than once.  When I'm heading into finals and I'm tired and running on straight coffee and get that "you got this" text, it means the world to me.  Everyone deserves to have that kind of support in their life.  

Thirty-one has been a year I certainly won't forget.  It was filled with highs and many lows.  It was the year that broke me and the year that rebuilt me.  I've seen the destruction of relationships and the forming of new ones.  I walked away from a job I loved, but knew wasn't my true passion.  I've had to admit defeat many times this year and as someone who likes being in control, that is hard to do.  I had to swallow my pride and my "me do" attitude.  Because frankly, "me can't do it all." 

Throughout it all, I can honestly say I'm in the best space I've been in.  Life is yours to live.  It is what you make of it.  It's too short to be miserable or feel stuck.  Ultimately, are only limited by your fear of making that leap.  Yes, you will fall and you will fail.  There is growth in failure; embrace it. 

I am taking a summer class starting in a few weeks, but I hope to finally get caught up on some blogging.  Izzy is... a toddler!  I love her to the ends of the earth and back, but man that girl knows how to drive me crazy!  She's on the go constantly just like always.  I'm really looking forward to a good summer with her.  We don't have anything super exciting planned, but  I hope to get her out and about as much as possible: farmers market, art festival, she has swimming lessons with dad in June, maybe a trip to the Omaha zoo later this summer, pool time.... it's been a long winter being stuck inside!