The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This is a post I have wanted to do for a while, but haven't had the time and the thoughts haven't been complete in my head.  However, a few recent facbook posts I have seen gave me the final push.  The first article I read a few months ago.  The article was talking about how we need to stop glamorizing the "newborn" phase.  Sure, babies are cute, and they smell great (until they are covered in poop and spit up).  But, the newborn phase is also exhausting in every sense of the word that you probably never even thought possible.  A tiny human has you engaged in some sort of psychological warfare.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years.  When we found out we were expecting, I was excited and completely terrified at the same time.  When I was asked if I was excited, I of course said yes because I was.  However, in the silence of our house at night, I was also terrified.  I'm sure it was mostly normal stuff.  "Would I be a good mom", "what impact is this going to have on our marriage", "how are the dogs going to be", what is our life going to look like", "can we afford daycare".... the list goes on.

Nothing prepared me for the wave of emotion that came with bringing a new baby home.  Come to find out, it was totally normal.  Nobody told me about the "baby blues".  For a while, I thought I had lost my mind.  I was terrified I was going to spiral into a depressive state.  It wasn't until our doula came for our postpartum visit and told me it was totally normal to experience the emotions I was having that I realized I hadn't lost my mind.  

Over the last year, I have gone through a wave of various emotions.  I have been pushed to what I thought was the end of my wits only to find out they went a little further the following day.  Inevitably, I feel bad if I get annoyed or impatient with Izzy.  Tonight I had to remind myself to take a chill pill when Izzy had a melt down over not being able to reach something on the counter.  I get annoyed sometimes when she points at things that I know she wants me to hand her, but I have literally put everything she could have been pointing at in front of her and none of it seems to appease her.  I realize, this is her form of communication right now, and it has to be just has frustrating for her when we can't figure out what she is trying to tell us. 

I would be lying if I told you I didn't sometimes wonder what we have gotten ourselves into with this crazy thing we call parenthood.  It isn't all the happy photos you see on facebook.  An honest day in the life of a parent would exhaust anyone who hasn't experienced it.  Wake up to screaming child, battle said child to get a diaper changed and dressed for the day, prepare food for said child while she chases the dogs around and hope she doesn't get into something she shouldn't be because I don't really have a second set of eyes to keep on her while I'm cooking.  Finally sit down to eat what is now a warm breakfast at best only to have said child start launching bananas across the dining room.  Once breakfast is over, I hope for a little calm and a minute to sit and drink my coffee.  With a little coffee, I can do a lot of things; including keep my s*** together.  While I chug my coffee down, I watch as the tornado we affectionately call Izzy wreaks havoc on the main level.  The poor dogs try to find a spot they can sleep for 10 seconds before she comes barreling after them.  If only they realized if they went upstairs they could have uninterrupted peace and quiet.  Meanwhile, I'm just praying nap time comes soon and users in a phase of calm for a bit.  Actually, I will say this is one aspect of the craziness of a child that has gotten better over the last year.  There was a period where nap time and bed time was a total struggle.  Most days, I can put Izzy in her crib with a little music playing and she gets herself to sleep.  God bless this child for sleeping like her father.  Long, and like a rock!  It's not uncommon for her to sleep until 8:30 AM on the weekends.  For that, I really do love her (among many other reasons)!  After nap time is over, it's rinse, wash, and repeat from the morning.  You can see how it isn't always the easiest to get in time for errands or house projects. 

I often think of the phrase "the days are long, but the years are short".  Never has that phrase resonated with me more.  I never dreamed of being a mom, it wasn't something I grew up thinking about. Even after Andrew and I got married, we weren't 100% sure parenthood was for us.  While I wouldn't take back a single minute we have shared with Izzy, that doesn't minimize the daily struggle.  I struggle with balancing career and family, personal time for recharging and soaking up the minutes I get with Izzy or enjoying some alone time with Andrew.  I know this will be an ongoing struggle.  As we settle into our life as parents, I try to strike the fine balance of life.