A Beef With Bras

I'm going to post this in hopes that someone reading this, or maybe a few people, can relate and commiserate with me. I was discussing this with a friend of mine at work today when she mentioned she had a $10 off card to Victoria's Secret. I told her I probably needed to go there, but couldn't really afford to drop $45 on a bra right now. That's right, for any man reading this just stop complaining right now that a pack of underwear costs $20. You may get four or five pair out of that pack. We get one bra for $45, and check out any woman's bra stash and she probably owns five or more; do the math. Plus, we still have to buy underwear, so we have a double whammy.

Since we are past the days of bra burnings, although some days I wish I could burn mine, it is a forgone conclusion that we women have to wear bras. So, why on earth do these things have to be the most uncomfortable, expensive contraptions we own? Wires, no wires, either way they end up stabbing me. Covered wires, padded underwire, support sides, lace, no lace.... the options are endless. Why when I walk into Victoria's Secret do I feel like I need to be a stinking supermodel to wear these things? Note the layout of the store the next time you are in one. The va va voom bras, stick my ta ta's in your face, increase five cup size bras are in the front of the store. The "normal" bras are in the back. You know the ones that don't come in nine shades of crazy and look like something a normal person might wear. I don't need a bra with eight layers of padding; I need something I can wear without totally revealing what I have on underneath when I am dressed in normal clothing. I know, this is quite the concept for some. Bras are an undergarment. Please for the love people stop wearing black bras with white shirts, it isn't cool. I don’t need to see your lime green bra under your lightly colored dress.

Here is something else that bothers me about bras and the women wearing them. After Andrew and I had been dating for a while and I drug him into VS one time, I asked him about the man take on bras. I asked him if guys hate padded bras. My reason for asking; what guy in his right mind is going to be excited about a woman wearing a padded bra if when she takes it off things drop and are smaller than they first appeared? Is that not a total let down? Andrew just laughed at me.

When I walk into VS, I walk straight to the back of the store while mocking the "fake out" bras, the "let down" bras. If I were a man I think I would be depressed if I was with a woman that I thought had a pretty good set of boobs on her only to have her let those babies loose and find they weren't all I thought they would be. Let me also state for the record that I think boobs in and of themselves are highly overrated. They are flesh, fat, and muscles... woofreakingwho; nothing to write home about, but guys seem to obsess.

Back to my gripe with bras specifically. So I own some VS bras, I'm sure most of them were purchased when they mailed me a $10 off card too. I purchase them one at a time unless I have multiple cards to use, then I might buy more than one. I'm sure I'm a saleswoman's nightmare in that store. I felt bad for the last girl I encountered in there. She was trying her hardest to sell me some crazy extra pushup lace number and was telling me about some deal if I bought multiples. I wanted to look at her and tell her to stop wasting time, I wasn't buying. I went in, they didn't have the size and style I wanted, so I left. Now, I'm dreading the fact that I may have to go back at some point soon. The straps on the bras I have are suddenly starting to slide off my shoulders... not cool. You are probably thinking, "just adjust the strap". I would, except for the lovely fact that these bras are the "Incredible Bra" which have self adjusting straps. Self adjusting my butt, they have been nothing but self sliding the last couple of weeks. Last Saturday night when Andrew and I were in Target, I was all but throwing a fit about my bra straps sliding down. There I was, with nine layers of clothes on because it was cold out, trying to fish around and pull the stupid things back up.

This past summer, I thought I would outsmart Victoria, and buy a bra somewhere else. So I went to Younkers to check out my options. I was amazed that my price options were about the same. Depressed, I picked up a couple I thought looked promising and set out to try them on. Here is another beef. Trying on bras is like trying on shoes. They need to let me wear them for a while before I can decide if I really want to purchase them. I can't tell you in the confines of that little room if that bra is going to hold up to the rigors it has to go through. I can't tell you when I am standing there walking up and down a two foot stretch if after half a day of walking in a pair of shoes they are going to give me a blister. If I knew they would, would I buy them? No, I wouldn't. But, they give you ten seconds to decide if it is going to work or not. At least at Younkers, you don’t have someone knocking on your door every ten seconds to make sure you are alright. I settled that day on a Calvin Klein bra that was on sale. I thought it would work, it felt pretty good in the store, but by the end of the first day I wore it, it was digging into my side. Needless to say, it hasn't seen much action since that day.

Now I'm faced with the inevitable; I'm going to have to buy a new bra. Off I will go to Victoria's Secret, attempting to dodge the walkie clad women working there. Sorry for anyone that has worked there, but you all scare the crap out of me. The whole store is just intimidating to me. First, I have to choke my way through the perfumes that people have sprayed nine million times, then I have to venture through lace and titty under my chin land, once I finally make it back to an area I can breathe in, I have to cross my fingers that I am able to get my bearings before multiple people come up to me and ask me if they can help me. Andrew always tries to calm me down at that point and tell me they are just doing their job; I always tell him they need to suck a little more at their job, because I would prefer they just leave me alone. If I need help, I will ask. Unless I'm standing there with my mouth hanging open or flinging things everywhere, I don’t need help.

After I avoid all that, I will be confronted with the photos of Miranda Kerr in all her loveliness modeling the latest creation. Sorry Miranda, but that bra is never going to look like that on me. I have these things called hips, thighs, fat, and I know you haven't heard of them, but if you would like, I could share.

Sometimes I like to mentally prepare myself before going in to the store, so I do a little pre shopping ongoing. This is what I was doing tonight when I was prompted to write this post. Just venturing over to the website, you will be confronted by all kinds of colorful goodness. My mission: a COMFORTABLE bra in a NORMAL color, no lace, no push up, no bells, no whistles, and no frills.

Here are the options:

 

I dont need my boobs pouring out over my bra, I need a bra I can wear to work.  I married, I have no co-workers to impress, and I think it is tacky for women to be falling out of their tops at work.

 

In addition to the fact that I don't think this girl is 18, I despise that much lace.  It itches, it shows through clothes, and snags on crap.

Again, too much vavavoom

This is just ugly and again has too much lace.  Are we having fun yet?

 

I can't even begin to tell you how ugly I thin this is, and it would look terrible under anything other than a sweater. 

 

There is not enough fabric holding this bra together in the clevage area for me nor enough on the straps.  I dont trust that those thin straps are going to be able to hold everything in place.  

 

Lace- blech

If you look really close at this one, you will see it has a lace trim. Yes, even that much lace is too much. 

** all these photos and more can been seen for your viewing pleasure at http://www.victoriassecret.com/bras


Perhaps at some point in the coming weeks, I will force myself into the store to purchase another bra against my will.  You know I wont be happy about it, and you know it isn't going to be an enjoyable experience for me.  Does anyone else find the whole process as un-enjoyable as I do?  Please tell me someone else out there does?