Looking Back and Looking Ahead

I have reached the last night of freedom before I embark on the mountain of reading I have to complete before nexy week.  But, before the insanity of the next semester begins, I like to reflect on the year that ended and the year ahead.

I have oficially reached the half way point through my law school journey.  They haven't kicked me out yet, so here's to reaching the finish line in May 2021!  Of course, I still have to pass the bar exam in July 2021, so graduation day isn't actually the finish line.  The first year and a half has flown by.  There are days I honestly don't think I can go on and I feel like I have no business being in school, but I remind myself I earned my spot there just like everyone else sitting next to me in class.  I may have more on my plate, but I have a lot of people in my corner rooting for me and doing everything they can to make sure I succeed.  The support I have from my friends and family has been overwhelming.  Not going to lie, there are days I break down just thinking about everything everyone is doing to help me and encourage me.  Blessed doesn't even begin to describe the feeling.  After a year of feeling like I was walking on ice in tennis shoes when it came to law school, I finally feel like I've gained some traction and have my feet under me.  Trying to raise a very strong willed toddler, co-parent, work and juggle law school full-times feels like a three ring circus most of the time, but by the grace of God we have all managed to survive.

The divorce has been final for a little over a year now.  It has been a year of adjusting and finding a new normal for everyone.  We have hit all the firsts after a major life event.  Some of them were easier than others.  I had meltdowns both expected and unexpected.  Therapy has been a huge help in working through some pretty deep rooted emotional baggage.  Even during the times I feel like things are going well, I'm amazed at what I'm able to unpack during my sessions.  I have experienced an array of emotions over the last year and half.  Denial, anger, sadness, joy, confusion, hurt, more anger, peace... there is a quote that keeps popping up for me on Pinterest "divorce is the death of a dream".  When you are young and in love, there is nothing that can bring you down. I was bullheaded and convinced I knew better and would beat the odds.  Here I am at 32 knee deep in the process of starting over. Ten years of my life is crammed into a 1000 sq ft. apartment and a storage unit. 

To be honest, there are days that it feels like too much.  There are days I hate being the one "in charge" all the time.  What I wouldn't give for someone else to take the reins for ten minutes.  Sure it's thrilling to be able to have pink all over my apartment and have it smelling all flowery all the time.  Of course I love being able to decide what I want to eat for dinner rather than consulting with someone else all the time.  I love being able to do what I want when I want (within reason because obviously a toddler doesn't allow for total flexibility in this department).  But the thrill wears off.  The bed gets lonely.  The thoughts in your own head grow louder and you routinely question every decision that got you to this point.  The next morning, the sun comes up and the crushing weight of the night before falls off.  You remind yourself that the decisions you made didn't come without days, weeeks and even months of soul searching. 

I look back on the me I knew two years ago or even a year ago and I no longer recognize her.  The phrase "you don't know your own strength until being strong is the only choice you have" rings true.  I get asked "how" a lot.  How do I manage it all?  My answer is always the same, "I just do".  I wake up in the morning and I go.  I don't question it because I know it will work out.  I stopped trying to map out every single detail of my life.  My life isn't the stuff of magazines.  My apartment is a war zone of books of the toddler and law variety.  There are half eaten snacks on my kitchen island.  There are stacks of laundy covering my dresser.  More likely than not, there is a load of laundry in my dryer that has been in there for days.  Here's the thing about all of it, I wouldn't change it.  The most valuable lesson I have learned over the last two years is to let go and let God.  For the majority of my adult life, I have intentionally kept him out.  Every door He knocked on, I pretended not to hear.  It wasn't until this summer when I was standing in church that a line from one of my favorite songs hit me with only the force God can hit with...
There's no shadow You won't light up, mountain You won't climb up coming after me.  There's no wall You won't kick down, lie you won't tear down coming after me. 

The song is Reckless Love for those who haven't heard it.  I love this song and everything it says.  I can attest to this relentless pursuit in my life.  I'm grateful enough of my walls were torn down to hear the message that I needed to hear.  I'm thankful my parents never gave up on me in this department.  They kept inviting me to church with them even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Now, there are very few Sunday's you won't find me in church.  It's not a contest, it's where I know I need to be.  I need to be there for the constant reminder that there is something bigger in the world.  There is more to life than the tangible things. 

For all the fighting I did for so many years to try and find ways around things and figure things out when it felt like roadblocks were being thrown down at every turn I made, I'm amazed at how clear the path became when I took a backseat and let go of the need to control.  I am by no means saying I live life in auto pilot these days; I just monitor my behvior and try and recognize when I'm getting ahead of myself and need to ease up on the throttle for a second. 

In closing, I  want to share a few of my daily/weekly reminders in hopes that maybe they will strike a cord with one of you as you read this.
1. It's never to late to change course
2. Let go and let God
3. Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are
4. But Still, Like Air, I'll Rise - Maya Angelou (taken from the poem Still I Rise)
5. For Izzy: I thought about giving up, and then I realized who was watching.

And most importantly
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail - Proverbs 19:21

Threenager Fun!

Izzy's three year update only a few months late.  I started it, just never finished and posted it.  This is my life. 

Try as I might, I couldn't keep Izzy from turning three.  Her birthday weekend was full of fun, laughter and celebration.  It's hard to believe we have a three year old on our hands.  Three years of watching her grow and and develop into the toddler she is today.

Izzy's birthday "wants" reminded me to enjoy the little things.  We was more interested in balloons and underwear for her third birthday than anything else.  I loved watching her excitement on her birthday morning when she saw her balloons waiting for her in the kitchen.  I'm pretty sure the weekend was one continual sugar rush for her... cupcakes at daycare on Friday, cake and homemade ice cream on Saturday for her birthday party, and leftover cake for days afterward.  I'm currently dealing with toddler meltdowns over the fact that her balloons have started "falling down" despite my assurance that she can have more balloons for her next birthday.

Thinking back over the last year, Izzy has really developed and established her personality.  She and I go head to head quite a bit.  Two strong willed ladies in the same house feels like a standoff from an old western movie at times.  We are in full on meltdown mode over the wrong cup, wrong snack, wrong stuffed animal or the wrong look.  I frequently hear her tell me "you're not the teacher"...

We are in the beginning stages of potty training.  She wants to wear big girl underwear like all of her friends, but still hasn't fully embraced the idea that she needs to go on the big girl potty in order to do that.  She wants to wear pullups, but pullsups are expensive diapers, so I allow it when she tells me she needs to go potty and then actually does go on the potty.  She is hit or miss at this point, but I think we are on our way with things.

Her vocabulary and language skills is both amazing and terrifying.  When your threenager throws words like "actually" or "probably" into everyday conversation like a boss, I realize how much of my conversations she listens to.  Not much gets by this girl; she has a mind like a steel trap and a memory for pretty much anything and everything I say.

I still try to keep her away from the screens as much as possible.  She loves to read and I frequently find her sitting with a stack of books.  Some of her books we have read so much now that she has them memorized and can "read" them to herself.  She also loves to color and put stickers all over everything.  Thank goodness for the $1 section at Target and its constant supply of stickers!  She is definitely an outdoor girl.  She loves getting her hands dirty.  She was more interested in climbing the trees while we were taking her three year pictures and than she was in sitting still for posed pictures.

I planned to post this after Izzy had her three year checkup with the doctor so I could report in on her weight and height.  Her appointment was filled with screaming and crying, and that wasn't just me.  She didn't want to get on the scale, so dad had to hold her and we used out math skills to estimate she is weighing in around 35 or 36 pounds.  She had no interest in standing against the wall so we could measure her.  I think she is standing about 37 ish inches tall.  I was having hot flashes by the time we left the doctors office and couldn't wait to get out of there.  I'd like to say her last dentist appointment went better than the three year checkup did, but that would make me a liar. 

Since this is so delayed, I might as well throw an update on about Christmas too while I'm at it. 

Christmas was a whirlwind!  I didn't get done with finals until the 19th of December.  By that point I was ready to hide for a few days.  Alas, when you have a threenager, there's no time for that.  We had Christmas concerts to attend, cookies to make, presents to wrap, and sugar induced meltdowns to be had.  I know they say some day I will miss all this..... how sure are we on this? Really though, watching the pure joy on her face as she unwrapped presents was pretty amazing. 

Izzy was a lot more involved in Christmas this year.  She loved unwrapping all her presents.  Last year she still wasn't quite sure what to do.  This year she learned the art of waiting for others to unwrap their presents too.  I also had to explain to her that not all presents are for Izzy when she tried opening a gift I bought for a friend.  Not sure how much of that conversation she understood, but we had it nonetheless.

To end, I leave you with some adorable photos of Izzy, because we could all use more cuteness in our lives!