Goodbye 2020!!

 I know I'm not the only one who is glad to see 2020 make an exit.  2020 always felt like a sandwich year for me.  It was my in between year for law school and a reminder that I wasn't quite to the finish line yet.  Izzy spent a majority of 2020 being three and three was a rough one.  Unfortunately, four isn't off to a much better start.  I'm hoping for some improvements in her overall attitude in 2021.  

Overall, Izzy continues to excel at her daycare.  She has a mix of preschool and daycare throughout her days.  It's fun to hear her talk about what they are learning (when she actually wants to share that information with me).  I never quite know what's going to come out of her mouth.  One morning while she was helping me with breakfasts she started doing subtraction problems.  My brain wasn't quite ready for that yet.  At this point, I'm not sure who reads more between Izzy and I.  She can usually be found with a book or ten in her hand.  She likes to do her "homework" like mommy.  I have learned she watches everything I do.  

In 2021 I'm looking forward to law school graduation.  May 14, 2021 cannot come soon enough.  Izzy's ready for me to be done.  I'm ready to be done.  These last few semesters have been nothing like I anticipated they would be when I started off.  Online classes and remote finals were not what I had in mind in August 2018.  I'm thankful for an amazing friend who gets me through most of my classes through mutual complaining about how ready we are to be done and weekly check ins on our countdown to graduation! 

I found out in September that I passed the MPRE, which is the ethics exam we are required to pass before we can sit for the bar exam.  I took the MPRE the day after the derecho rolled through.  I lost internet that day, so I resorted to reading the Model Rules Of Professional Conduct from the book.  I figured if I didn't know what I needed to know 24 hours before the exam, I wasn't going to learn much more.  The computers we took the exam on shut down half way through our exam, and that just felt like another cherry on top of the 2020 sundae.  In October, I accepted a job offer with a firm located near our post graduation landing spot.  I will be working as a law clerk for them prior to passing the bar.  Once I pass the bar exam, fingers crossed, I will transition to an associate attorney position.  I'm excited about my new job and the long term opportunities with the firm! 

The semester ended for me with all online classes and another semester of remote finals.  Unfortunately, as soon as finals were done Izzy's daycare class had several diagnosed cases of COVID, so she spent the week of Christmas in quarantine.  Christmas looked a little different this year because of quarantine and outside of my maternity leave, Izzy and I have  now spent more uninterrupted time together than at any other point in her life.  I love her to death, but I'm really grateful daycare will open back up on Monday and I can return to work even if it is working from home.  My mental health needs a little bit of sanity back.  

Because 2020 wasn't crazy enough, we thought we would throw a home renovation on our list of things to do.  So far the renovation has been a lot of decision making and ordering and finding places to stash everything at the house.  Our new kitchen cabinets should be arriving next week and some of us are more excited than others for work to get started on things.  Of course those of us that are excited don't have to live in the day to day mess and chaos of a renovation... sorry, dear!  I know you will hold the fort down in my absence.  

We are still busy planning away for our wedding next December.  It's hard to believe we finally made it to the one year mark.  When we set the date back in July, it seemed so far away.  Now that we are under a year it feels like things are finally starting to move.  All of the vendors have been booked, the dress has been purchased and the pile of wedding items stashed in my closet continues to grow.  We can't wait to celebrate our day with our friends and family!  

As the year rounds out, it's hard not to think about all the things we have missed out on.  It has definitely been a stressful year, and I'm glad we have reached the end.  I wish I could say when we flip the calendar over to January tomorrow things will suddenly be brighter.  I have reminded myself many times this year that things are not in my hands and when I think they are, I'm reminded that I'm not in control of this life. There has been a lot of good this year.  Aside from COVID there have been a lot of things happen this year that I didn't foresee when we rolled into 2020.  My continued explanation for it all is that it's all in God's timing.  More and more I'm convinced the old saying is true, the days may seem long but the years are short.  The year ahead holds of lot of changes in store.  They are exciting changes, but also a little scary.  I'm thankful for my friends and family and their support through all the ups and downs life throws my way.  I hope you all have a wonderful New Year! 

Where Did The Summer Go?

 Did any of us really foresee 2020 playing out like this? But somehow, despite it all, we have made it to the end of August.  

Photo Credit to Chelsea Kyaw Photo

Classes start for me again August 24th.  I'll be starting my final year at Drake Law School, which is a little bittersweet.  Classes look nothing like I thought they would when I started off two years ago.  I will be doing a mix of in person and online classes.  I took a couple of courses over the summer, both of which were completely online.  It wasn't ideal, but it worked.  I guess that's a summary of this year... not idea but we made it work.  

The summer has flown by at an alarming rate and it seems like I have lived a partial lifetime since classes ended in May.  I took a two week accelerated class at the beginning of June.  I enjoyed the accelerated format more than I thought I might and it was a quick way to knock out two credits.  At the end of June, I made my way out to Colorado for some much needed R&R with my new favorite traveling companion.  While I was out in Colorado, I received news that my grandfather had passed away.  My last memory of him is the great conversation he and I had in January and I'm thankful that he and I shared that time.  I have lots of great memories of him from my younger days most of which involve the marina and the mouse hole at the lake.  Life it so precious and I think this year has really served as a reminder of that.  

Izzy continues to be Izzy.  We have had a full summer.  Fireworks, swimming, potty training, toddler bed conversion and mom denying that this bundle of energy is about to turn four in a month.  I have seen so many changes in her this summer.  She was with her dad while I was in Colorado, and coming back after not seeing her for a week was like seeing a whole new kid.  She talks constantly and asks every question I never knew existed.  She loves water, music, reading and bubbles.  Her favorite colors are still pink and purple.  As we roll closer to four, I have seen more of her personality come out and less of the toddler 'tude (hallelujah).  She still loves to curl up in my lap and read before bedtime.  I try to remind myself, even on the nights I'm rushed to get her to bed so I can do homework, that these moments will not last forever.  

In the interest of keeping my personal life private, I have kept a pretty low profile for things not pertaining to Izzy over the last few years.  However I'm happy to share some exciting news! 

With the help of my parents, he was able to pull off a massive surprise while we were on vacation in Colorado.  Other than being excited to wear a pretty dress, Izzy is a little too young to really understand the concept of engagement.  For her, life continues on as normal.  

My summer rounded out taking the MPRE, which is our professional ethics exam, and taking another accelerated class.  Hot on the heels of finishing class I was sworn in as a student attorney and will be working in the legal clinic on campus this fall.  I'm really looking forward to the opportunity and experience. 

For now, I'll leave you all with a few photos of Izzy being completely in her element out in nature running around! 

Photo credit to Chelsea Kyaw Photo 

Photo credit to Chelsea Kyaw Photo 

Photo credit to Chelsea Kyaw Photo 

2 Years Down!

Year 2 of law school is officially in the books!  I took my last final today, at home.  When I started this semester I had no idea it would look the way it has for the last nine weeks.  Despite it all, I made it through the end of another semester and am now 2/3 of the way through law school.  Honestly, I don't know if I should celebrate or cry from utter exhaustion. 

I am grateful that daycare has remained open during this time.  I have had a mix of live classes and recorded classes.  Without daycare, being present for classes would have been a real struggle.  Honestly the lack of driving to campus actually freed up a lot of time.  All the driving and parking and walking to class really does eat up a good portion of my time every day. 

I'm not going to lie, the stress level in this house has been through the roof the last two months.  The size of my apartment never really bothered me until these last few weeks.  Frankly I feel like the walls are closing in on me some days.  I'm ready to get out and about again.  I have stayed locked up with my nose to the grindstone as my grandmother used to say!  Thank God for church, family, friends, therapy, coffee and more coffee.  A bright spot this last week was seeing my local Starbucks open up again.  Never doubt a law students ability to consume coffee. 

Since I last posted, we have been knee deep in potty training.  Actually, I would say we are mostly day trained.  Izzy still has an accident from time to time and if we go on any longer trips she usually wears a pull-up.  At night time she is also still in pull-up's and diapers.  I really let her potty train on her terms because she wasn't going to do it any other way. I'm once again keenly aware of where all the toilets are just like I was when I was pregnant.  I guess pregnancy is just preparing you for potty training!  Next up, big girl bed.  Yes, she's still in a crib.  No, she hasn't tried to climb out.  Yes, I know I can't keep her in there until she's 18.  She sleeps well in her crib, so I have been in no hurry to move over to a toddler bed.  She recently started asking me about it though and I know I'm not going to get her to stay in her crib for another year.  I figure while I'm not in the middle of class this summer we can work on staying in our bed.  It wasn't something I wanted to battle while I was in class.  Her sleeping times are my prime study times. 

Outside of our potty training journey, we have been knee deep in the sass of toddler life.  Let me tell you... the child has sass.  The attitude, the melt downs, the tantrums; I was prepared for none of it.  Add a stressed out sleep deprived momma to the mix and things get ugly sometimes.  I'm not sure who has more time out's me or Izzy.  Sometimes I have to put trains on the TV so I can sit in my room for a minute and get myself together.  Izzy is a much different personality than I am in a lot of ways and she has given me a run for my money.  I love the little sass pot to death, but I'm going to remind her of these times in the future.  Especially if she calls to tell me her own kids are being a pain!

I told myself I wasn't going to take classes this summer.  But, I lied.  I'm taking two classes, but they are accelerated classes (two weeks for each class) and I think that will make them tolerable.  My first class is June 1st through the 12th and my second class isn't until the middle of August.  That gives me two months to enjoy summer.  Before our current pandemic, I was supposed to be in Colorado at the end of June for a week.  My first out of state trip of more than a weekend without Izzy.  I have mixed feelings about it, but I also know I need a break.  Two years of law school has given me a few gray hairs.  Two years of law school with a toddler has given me about 50000 gray hairs.  Right now, we are still scheduled to go on our trip.  We will make the call on it in a few weeks. 

In addition to class and vacation, I also have the MPRE scheduled for August.  The MPRE is our professional ethics exam all law students (except in a few states) are required to take prior to sitting for the bar exam.  Ahhh the bar exam.  That will be the joy of my summer next summer.   Studying for the multi day exam at the end of July.  Can't wait. 

I'm looking forward to the fall semester.  I was accepted to work as a student attorney in our general civil practice clinic at the Drake Legal Clinic.  I'm looking forward to putting into practice everything we have learned over the last two years.  Sometimes I question what I have actually learned and then I pull some random law out of thin air and think, "huh I guess I have actually learned a thing or two". It's honestly been amazing to see how the classes have started to weave together this last semester. 

So, that's the quick rundown of the last five months in our house.  It certainly hasn't been without up's and down's, but that's life and you learn to just roll with the punches.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

I have reached the last night of freedom before I embark on the mountain of reading I have to complete before nexy week.  But, before the insanity of the next semester begins, I like to reflect on the year that ended and the year ahead.

I have oficially reached the half way point through my law school journey.  They haven't kicked me out yet, so here's to reaching the finish line in May 2021!  Of course, I still have to pass the bar exam in July 2021, so graduation day isn't actually the finish line.  The first year and a half has flown by.  There are days I honestly don't think I can go on and I feel like I have no business being in school, but I remind myself I earned my spot there just like everyone else sitting next to me in class.  I may have more on my plate, but I have a lot of people in my corner rooting for me and doing everything they can to make sure I succeed.  The support I have from my friends and family has been overwhelming.  Not going to lie, there are days I break down just thinking about everything everyone is doing to help me and encourage me.  Blessed doesn't even begin to describe the feeling.  After a year of feeling like I was walking on ice in tennis shoes when it came to law school, I finally feel like I've gained some traction and have my feet under me.  Trying to raise a very strong willed toddler, co-parent, work and juggle law school full-times feels like a three ring circus most of the time, but by the grace of God we have all managed to survive.

The divorce has been final for a little over a year now.  It has been a year of adjusting and finding a new normal for everyone.  We have hit all the firsts after a major life event.  Some of them were easier than others.  I had meltdowns both expected and unexpected.  Therapy has been a huge help in working through some pretty deep rooted emotional baggage.  Even during the times I feel like things are going well, I'm amazed at what I'm able to unpack during my sessions.  I have experienced an array of emotions over the last year and half.  Denial, anger, sadness, joy, confusion, hurt, more anger, peace... there is a quote that keeps popping up for me on Pinterest "divorce is the death of a dream".  When you are young and in love, there is nothing that can bring you down. I was bullheaded and convinced I knew better and would beat the odds.  Here I am at 32 knee deep in the process of starting over. Ten years of my life is crammed into a 1000 sq ft. apartment and a storage unit. 

To be honest, there are days that it feels like too much.  There are days I hate being the one "in charge" all the time.  What I wouldn't give for someone else to take the reins for ten minutes.  Sure it's thrilling to be able to have pink all over my apartment and have it smelling all flowery all the time.  Of course I love being able to decide what I want to eat for dinner rather than consulting with someone else all the time.  I love being able to do what I want when I want (within reason because obviously a toddler doesn't allow for total flexibility in this department).  But the thrill wears off.  The bed gets lonely.  The thoughts in your own head grow louder and you routinely question every decision that got you to this point.  The next morning, the sun comes up and the crushing weight of the night before falls off.  You remind yourself that the decisions you made didn't come without days, weeeks and even months of soul searching. 

I look back on the me I knew two years ago or even a year ago and I no longer recognize her.  The phrase "you don't know your own strength until being strong is the only choice you have" rings true.  I get asked "how" a lot.  How do I manage it all?  My answer is always the same, "I just do".  I wake up in the morning and I go.  I don't question it because I know it will work out.  I stopped trying to map out every single detail of my life.  My life isn't the stuff of magazines.  My apartment is a war zone of books of the toddler and law variety.  There are half eaten snacks on my kitchen island.  There are stacks of laundy covering my dresser.  More likely than not, there is a load of laundry in my dryer that has been in there for days.  Here's the thing about all of it, I wouldn't change it.  The most valuable lesson I have learned over the last two years is to let go and let God.  For the majority of my adult life, I have intentionally kept him out.  Every door He knocked on, I pretended not to hear.  It wasn't until this summer when I was standing in church that a line from one of my favorite songs hit me with only the force God can hit with...
There's no shadow You won't light up, mountain You won't climb up coming after me.  There's no wall You won't kick down, lie you won't tear down coming after me. 

The song is Reckless Love for those who haven't heard it.  I love this song and everything it says.  I can attest to this relentless pursuit in my life.  I'm grateful enough of my walls were torn down to hear the message that I needed to hear.  I'm thankful my parents never gave up on me in this department.  They kept inviting me to church with them even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Now, there are very few Sunday's you won't find me in church.  It's not a contest, it's where I know I need to be.  I need to be there for the constant reminder that there is something bigger in the world.  There is more to life than the tangible things. 

For all the fighting I did for so many years to try and find ways around things and figure things out when it felt like roadblocks were being thrown down at every turn I made, I'm amazed at how clear the path became when I took a backseat and let go of the need to control.  I am by no means saying I live life in auto pilot these days; I just monitor my behvior and try and recognize when I'm getting ahead of myself and need to ease up on the throttle for a second. 

In closing, I  want to share a few of my daily/weekly reminders in hopes that maybe they will strike a cord with one of you as you read this.
1. It's never to late to change course
2. Let go and let God
3. Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are
4. But Still, Like Air, I'll Rise - Maya Angelou (taken from the poem Still I Rise)
5. For Izzy: I thought about giving up, and then I realized who was watching.

And most importantly
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail - Proverbs 19:21

Threenager Fun!

Izzy's three year update only a few months late.  I started it, just never finished and posted it.  This is my life. 

Try as I might, I couldn't keep Izzy from turning three.  Her birthday weekend was full of fun, laughter and celebration.  It's hard to believe we have a three year old on our hands.  Three years of watching her grow and and develop into the toddler she is today.

Izzy's birthday "wants" reminded me to enjoy the little things.  We was more interested in balloons and underwear for her third birthday than anything else.  I loved watching her excitement on her birthday morning when she saw her balloons waiting for her in the kitchen.  I'm pretty sure the weekend was one continual sugar rush for her... cupcakes at daycare on Friday, cake and homemade ice cream on Saturday for her birthday party, and leftover cake for days afterward.  I'm currently dealing with toddler meltdowns over the fact that her balloons have started "falling down" despite my assurance that she can have more balloons for her next birthday.

Thinking back over the last year, Izzy has really developed and established her personality.  She and I go head to head quite a bit.  Two strong willed ladies in the same house feels like a standoff from an old western movie at times.  We are in full on meltdown mode over the wrong cup, wrong snack, wrong stuffed animal or the wrong look.  I frequently hear her tell me "you're not the teacher"...

We are in the beginning stages of potty training.  She wants to wear big girl underwear like all of her friends, but still hasn't fully embraced the idea that she needs to go on the big girl potty in order to do that.  She wants to wear pullups, but pullsups are expensive diapers, so I allow it when she tells me she needs to go potty and then actually does go on the potty.  She is hit or miss at this point, but I think we are on our way with things.

Her vocabulary and language skills is both amazing and terrifying.  When your threenager throws words like "actually" or "probably" into everyday conversation like a boss, I realize how much of my conversations she listens to.  Not much gets by this girl; she has a mind like a steel trap and a memory for pretty much anything and everything I say.

I still try to keep her away from the screens as much as possible.  She loves to read and I frequently find her sitting with a stack of books.  Some of her books we have read so much now that she has them memorized and can "read" them to herself.  She also loves to color and put stickers all over everything.  Thank goodness for the $1 section at Target and its constant supply of stickers!  She is definitely an outdoor girl.  She loves getting her hands dirty.  She was more interested in climbing the trees while we were taking her three year pictures and than she was in sitting still for posed pictures.

I planned to post this after Izzy had her three year checkup with the doctor so I could report in on her weight and height.  Her appointment was filled with screaming and crying, and that wasn't just me.  She didn't want to get on the scale, so dad had to hold her and we used out math skills to estimate she is weighing in around 35 or 36 pounds.  She had no interest in standing against the wall so we could measure her.  I think she is standing about 37 ish inches tall.  I was having hot flashes by the time we left the doctors office and couldn't wait to get out of there.  I'd like to say her last dentist appointment went better than the three year checkup did, but that would make me a liar. 

Since this is so delayed, I might as well throw an update on about Christmas too while I'm at it. 

Christmas was a whirlwind!  I didn't get done with finals until the 19th of December.  By that point I was ready to hide for a few days.  Alas, when you have a threenager, there's no time for that.  We had Christmas concerts to attend, cookies to make, presents to wrap, and sugar induced meltdowns to be had.  I know they say some day I will miss all this..... how sure are we on this? Really though, watching the pure joy on her face as she unwrapped presents was pretty amazing. 

Izzy was a lot more involved in Christmas this year.  She loved unwrapping all her presents.  Last year she still wasn't quite sure what to do.  This year she learned the art of waiting for others to unwrap their presents too.  I also had to explain to her that not all presents are for Izzy when she tried opening a gift I bought for a friend.  Not sure how much of that conversation she understood, but we had it nonetheless.

To end, I leave you with some adorable photos of Izzy, because we could all use more cuteness in our lives!