Pants

That's right, the title of this post is pants.  When I hear the word in conjunction with the word shopping, it seriously sends a chill down my spine.  Shopping for pants has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. 

We were walking through Target one night doing our grocery shopping and Andrew pointed out that my jeans looked like they were about to fall off of me.  I responded with an "I know" that sounded rather painful.  He looked at me puzzled and replied "aren't you supposed to be happy when your clothes are too big."  Poor guy, he can't win.  I am happy that my clothes are now loose.  What I'm not so happy about is the prospect of shopping for new pants.  Since my current pants aren't literally falling off when I stand up, I have pushed off buying pants for as long as humanly possible. 

You see, I was gifted with these things called thighs.  In combination with a rather well endowed rear end that is not proportional to my waist, it creates a bit of a problem when trying to buy pants.  You may be wondering why, of all topics, I went with this one for this post.  Let me enlighten you.  At the moment, I have no fewer than 20 pairs of dress pants hanging in my closet.  I'm sure many of you can relate when I say only about five of them fit.  If we want to get technical about it, only one or two fit properly.  The others are passable.  They are either too loose, slightly too tight, can only be worn with flats because they are too short, or can only be worn with heels because they drag. 

Today, I set out on a mission to find pants.  I should have known I was setting myself up for failure on this mission.  I was on the hunt for brown dress pants.  I know, I got greedy.  I wanted something specific rather than settling for fabric that would cover my lower half and not make me look like a stuffed sausage.  But, of all the dress pants I have, brown is the color I need the most.  The last time I wore my brown dress pants, I pulled them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them.  Needless to say, it looks like I am wearing a potato sack on my bottom half when I have them on; not exactly professional.  Upon entering the store, I realized my selection was VERY limited and my hope quickly faded.  I walked over to the rack to survey my options.  What follows is the conversation that played out in my head....

"Lovely, about five to choose from in my prospective sizes.  Who knows what size I am these days; I'm probably in between sizes again.  Oh, I hope one of those ladies doesn't come over here to help me.  Unless they have a seamstress in a back closet who is going to personally measure me for a pair of pants, I'm pretty sure they can't help me.  Skinny legs, that isn't going to happen.  Straight legs, also doubtful.  How about some wide legs? Trouser pants?  Do they make anything for people that have a shape?  Have they looked at the average America woman lately?  Alright, I suppose I will try these on.  Two different sizes just to be on the safe side.  Oh good, so the option is stuffed sausage or a little bit less stuffed sausage.  Hey, at least I found a pair of shorts out of the ordeal; I hate shorts.  I can't believe I bought a pair of shorts; am I even going to wear these?"

This was all over the course of about twenty minutes.  Luckily, I have reached the point I don't need to pull the pants all the way up onto my thighs to figure out if they are going to work or not.  It really saves some time and frustration.  One store was all I could handle today for personal torture.  Perhaps I will try again later this week when I have mustered up enough courage to venture out again.  Does anyone else have this problem when shopping for pants?  I know there are others out there!  Does anyone have a brand of dress pants they recommend that recognizes not all women are sticks?