As I reflect back on the last year (it's my birthday in a few weeks, which always seems to be a time of reflection for me), I am struck by a couple of things: life changes, and it can change quickly. It really does take a village. Perhaps most important for me has been the realization that only I could make the decision to end the war with myself. Some days I feel like I swallowed a philosophy book or some sort of counselors guide to turning your attitude around. It's a lot of self reflection, growth and also a lot of humility and the understanding there is something greater than you.
I have to be honest, there have been a lot of tears over the last six months. As I open up parts of me I had closed off and allow myself to really feel again, I'm reminded what a truly emotional person I am at times. I'm not sure when society as a whole got so stuck on not talking about emotions or experiencing emotions. Social norms teach us to stuff things down. Dry your tears and hold your head up. The only thing that got me was a lot of pent up anger and resentment. It oozed into my work life, my home life and everyday life. I was mad at everyone and everything, and I was mad at myself for being so mad all the time. It was a cycle and I was stuck.
I'll be honest, there are days I don't want to crawl out of bed. I want to pull the covers up and pretend the world isn't there; that my responsibilities aren't there. However, I'm not twenty-two anymore and there are people depending on me. On the days I really struggle and think about everything I don't want to do, I count my blessings twice. I just finished my first year of law school. It's a goal I've had for many years and I'm doing it. I may not be at the top of my class; I never thought I would be. That was never a goal of mine. I do, however, feel blessed and privileged to sit in the classroom five days each week and learn from some of the best and brightest. I've had several people ask me since I started school how I do it. My answer is always the same, "I just do." Don't think, just do. Fear; it drives so much of what we do and don't do. Have I been afraid? Ummmmm YES. How could I not be? Fear and self doubt, negative self talk they all come from the same place. Fear can be motivating, but it can also absolutely restrain you. I think of phrases like "trust and God will provide" "have faith and He will move mountains." I always thought that was an excuse to sit back and wait for life to happen because God was in control. With a lot of reflection and some growth over the last few months, I've realized that isn't a pass for you to take a backseat to your life. God is in control, but you have to actively participate. A lot of what I have figured out is that I need to stop slamming my head into the same wall. If God puts the wall there, it's probably for a reason. It's when I think I know better that I encounter pain and turmoil. That's not to say that everything in life is going to be easy. There will be struggles and I get that. But sometimes if a door won't open for you, there is a reason.
I'm at a place in my life where it's all about view. When I wake up each morning, it's all about how I decide to view things that day. I'm beyond blessed to be able to pursue my passion and my dream and go to law school. I'm blessed to have a support network cheering me on along the way. As I drove away from campus after my last final this week, I had tears pouring down my face. Law school may be my dream and my goal, but there are a ton of people helping me achieve it. My classmates have been amazing. I was terrified to go back to school. I didn't know who I was going to talk to or if I would be the odd ball because I was older than most and had a kid. I've found a great group of friends who encourage me and commiserate with me and I truly am thankful for each of them. The amount of love and support from my friends outside of school and my family has brought me to tears more than once. When I'm heading into finals and I'm tired and running on straight coffee and get that "you got this" text, it means the world to me. Everyone deserves to have that kind of support in their life.
Thirty-one has been a year I certainly won't forget. It was filled with highs and many lows. It was the year that broke me and the year that rebuilt me. I've seen the destruction of relationships and the forming of new ones. I walked away from a job I loved, but knew wasn't my true passion. I've had to admit defeat many times this year and as someone who likes being in control, that is hard to do. I had to swallow my pride and my "me do" attitude. Because frankly, "me can't do it all."
Throughout it all, I can honestly say I'm in the best space I've been in. Life is yours to live. It is what you make of it. It's too short to be miserable or feel stuck. Ultimately, are only limited by your fear of making that leap. Yes, you will fall and you will fail. There is growth in failure; embrace it.
I am taking a summer class starting in a few weeks, but I hope to finally get caught up on some blogging. Izzy is... a toddler! I love her to the ends of the earth and back, but man that girl knows how to drive me crazy! She's on the go constantly just like always. I'm really looking forward to a good summer with her. We don't have anything super exciting planned, but I hope to get her out and about as much as possible: farmers market, art festival, she has swimming lessons with dad in June, maybe a trip to the Omaha zoo later this summer, pool time.... it's been a long winter being stuck inside!
